Gettin' Sum

5000 AND COUNTING

2007-03-22T13:50:00.000-05:00

I got my 5000th hit cherry today, I think B.Good got it! Thanks to everyone for coming by my little site. I started the counter off with a high number because I didn't want to start from zero. I never thought it would ever get that high and I guess if I posted more it would help. To celebrate, everyone is invited to to my office for an orgy. By the way, does anyone know how many people it takes for it to be classified as an orgy?

WHAT IS LOVE...

2007-03-21T16:25:00.000-05:00

I was talking to my friend Rob the other day and the topic of love came up (Is it strange that two guys talk about that?). It seems Rob has feelings for two women, or as he puts it "I like fucking both of them". As we sat in the Rose garden and sipped on our 1995 Chateau Margaux (Insert fake laughter here)Rob was telling me how broccoli made him feel bloated and how he had another little predicament, he had deep feelings for both women.
Rob is kinda old school in thinking that you can only have one love and one love only (why do you keep looking at me like that, guys can talk about this). I could tell this was bugging him so I ask him to explain the feelings, I thought he would say that one tickles his ass while giving him a blow job and the other one rides him like a rodeo bull or something. Actually, he said with both of them he was snuggling after sex and staring into their eyes for what felt like hours (OK, now I'm getting uncomfortable) and had that warm fuzzy feeling all over. He went on to tell me that it didn't matter if had sex with either one, he just enjoyed being around them.
After pulling the thermometer out of his ass to make sure he wasn't running a fever and checking him for spider bites I realized he was serious...maybe he was in love with both of them. I didn't know what to tell him so I gave him a pamphlet I had found on my windshield about converting to the Mormon faith so he could have more than one wife and started talking about the NCAA tournament. I figured this one he needed to work out without my intervention.
I know when you do find that certain someone that you can "stare into their eyes forever and get that "fuzzy" feeling,that more than likely you don't go looking for another person. I've known people that have went for years and not found a true love. I guess it is possible to fall in love with two people although it would take a hell of a juggling act to do it. Hmmn, I think I need to ponder this a little longer while I finish my beer, I mean my Chateau Margaux. (Insert laughter)

WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHY THE FUCK...

2007-02-23T11:43:00.000-05:00

I don't usually post anything but sex stories (a fellow blogger told me I needed to post more than three times a year, and she is right!) so I thought I would just do a WTF post on different shit for a change of pace.

WTF is up with Britney Spears? Why shave that pretty little head? If you want attention I will personally volunteer my time to make a sex tape with you (call me) and post it on YouTube. Personally I think you will get more attention that way, it did wonders for Paris Hilton's career, she was in the news and on every little boy's computer screens for a long time. So Britney, I have my camcorder ready, battery charged, I don't have a night vision camera so we will have to do it with the lights on. It will be the best 30 second porn movie out there, but bring a wig please, I don't want to feel like I doing a dude!
WTF is going on with the paternity case involving Anna Nicole's baby? They should have turned the case over to Montell, he could have determined the father in just one show! And while we are at it, WTF are they fighting over who gets the body. They should put them on Jerry Springer to fight it out and the last one standing gets her...and for God's sake please bury her.
WTF is pussy so hard to find when your not dating or attached to someone. Put put a ring on your finger or be dating someone and all of a sudden your cup runneth over. Are guys more desirable when they are taken?
WTF do I get a hard-on at the most inopportune times? It usually happens in a very public place when you don't have anything to hide it with.
WTF is Dave Chappelle?
WTF is Freaky's "Fuck it Friday" post, I know you got some "Fuck it's" in you Freaky!
WTF is up with people taking up the whole fucking isle in a grocery store! How much fucking room do you need anyway
WTF are there so many types of condoms? You end up spending too much valued pussy time staring at the boxes trying to figure out which one to buy. Too thin and you get to spend your nights feeding and burping babies, too thick and you can't feel nothing, too many ribs and knobs and you stand the chance of tearing her pussy up and ending your night.
WTF would I drive 4 hours for pussy? I will answer that...because it is well worth it.

Feel free to comment and add some to it. Have a good weekend!

TEN THINGS TO KILL AN ERECTION

2007-01-15T22:52:00.000-05:00

I was flipping through channels the other night and caught a soft porn movie on Cinemax............OK you got me , I knew it was on. Even though it wasn't a good movie, I still like to watch. They are somewhat humorous in that the fucking is noticeably fake. Now don't get me wrong, it's still good enough to give me a hard-on. What is funny is how the guy just rubs his dick against her, no long thrust, no balls slapping her ass...Nothing! My question is...How does he keep from getting a full blown rock hard woodie. If I was at the plate batting, I would be swinging some wood. There were two conclusions I came up with, either he is gay and not interested in women or he has tremendous mind control. Now at times, guys use a type of mind control to keep us from cumming too soon, so we don't dissatisfy you ladies. So,with the help of a fellow blogger we will discuss some ideas a guy can use.

****WARNING****

The following ideas when used improperly may cause erectile dysfunction

1. Think about sports: This is the one most guys use and it works pretty well, unless your a diehard fan that gets a hard on from sports.

2.Start an off the wall conversation: "Can you believe how well the Dow Jones is doing" or "I just read the best article on keeping slugs out of your garden."

3. Watch "The View"

4. Think about your school lunch lady, the one with the big mole...with the big black hairs coming out of it.

5. Imagine your parents having sex: Too much of this one may have you spending time on a couch.

6. Tape a picture of Flavor Flav to the back of her head.

7. Imagine your 80 year old Grandmother on stage at a strip club.

8. Think about the rape scene from Deliverance.

9. Rosie O'Donnell

10. Rosie O'Donnell nude covered in butter smelling like day old tuna.

MY MINI MEME

2007-01-09T15:45:00.000-05:00

It's been way too long since I posted anything, not that I have lost interest in the blog, but work has really kept me away from the blogging universe and I have really missed it. I thought I would start back with a meme. I've never done a meme before but here is my shot at it. I have borrowed some questions from other blogs and some are my own.

Are there any memorable moments from 2006? I would like to remember where I was at from August through December. Other than that....no.

What age were you when you lost your virginity? 16

Did you graduate High School? Yes, but I hated English as you can see in my blog!

Did you go to College? Yes I went to college, but only to see my girlfriend. I never attended class but I did do some Shakespeare outside the womens dorm..."Julie, would you come and open the fuckin' door, it's cold out here"!

Have you ever participated in a three way? No......well there was this time that I was pretty fucked up and........uhmm, no I have not.

Have you ever been "hit on" by a member of the same sex? Yes

Would you have sex with someone of the same sex? Hell no!! Just who the fuck is asking these questions anyway?

When you said "no", does that really mean maybe? I see that I'm dealing with a real smart-ass here...Fuck you!

You would like to, wouldn't you? GO TO HELL!! Next question please!

Have you ever had sex in a public place? Yes, but it was after dark.

Have you ever ran naked in a public area? Yes, to get away from the cops in the above area!

Do you masterbate? Occasionally

Do you use any props or look at pictures while masterbating? Sometimes, but I like to put my arm to sleep so it feels like someone else is doing it for me.

What was the worst sex you ever had? The worst was with G.G, I would rank it being close to having sex with a corpse, except when I deflowered her and lost the hearing in my right ear. (See the "Basic Training" post)

What was the best sex you ever had? The best was with S.C, she was eight years older than me. I was her clay and she molded me.....boy, did she mold me!

Have you ever had anal sex? No....Well, there was this time when I was pretty fucked up and.....Uhmm, no I have never done it.

Do you prefer pussy shaven or unshaven? I like it either way as long as it is trimmed close, but prefer shaven.

Do you use any "toys" during sex? I have used a vibrator on my partner before, but I have never used anything on myself.

What was your most embarrassing moment during sex? I farted on my first girlfriend during sex.

What was your overall most embarrassing moment? My girlfriends mother was looking through some of our vacation pictures and she kept staring at a certain one....the one my girlfriend took of my hard cock one morning.

If one of your friends wife or girlfriend wanted to have sex with you...would you? No, that is one line I do not cross.

Would you consider doing a porn movie? Yes, but I may have trouble with the lines.
Instead of oral, oral, missionary, cowboy, doggie, back to missionary, then money shot. Mine would be oral....money shot.

Do you prefer younger or older women? Right now, I really don't have a preference. When I was younger I liked the older women.

How much time do you spend on foreplay? I like for my partner to climax once or twice before moving on to other things, So I will spend as much time as I need to.

One final question....If you could have sex with someone famous, who would it be? Geez, that is a hard one to narrow down....I guess it probably would be Beyonce, beautiful face, nice tits, great ass, Hmm..... If you will excuse me....I feel my arm going to sleep.

A NIGHT AT THE RAMADA

2006-08-05T00:33:00.000-05:00

I was fresh out of a divorce feeling down in the dumps, pissed off and every other kind of emotion you can feel and my good friend Rob had taken it upon himself to watch over me and to make sure I stayed drunk through this ordeal.
We took off to the Ramada one night, it was laid back place and they had a live band three times a week and all of the beer we could drink.

We sat drinking our beer at a corner table, listening to the band, when I noticed a man and a woman sitting a couple of tables away. They were talking to each other then they would look at me. I was getting a little self conscious because they kept looking at me. Finally the guy got up and came over and introduced himself "Hey, my name is Greg, didn't we go to high school together?" I struggled with my thoughts for a moment, the I remembered him "Yeah, you were a couple of years older then me" I replied "Why don't you come over to my table" he said "I want you to meet someone." I grabbed my drink and told Rob I would be back in a moment.

We sat down at his table and he introduced me to the lady sitting there "This is Sherry, my sister" he said "She had her eye on you since you came through the door." She had a look of embarrassment on her face, "I'm Duane" I said smiling "Could I get you a drink?" "Sure" she said "I'll have a rum and Coke". I found myself staring at Sherry, she was a very pretty lady with black hair and blue eyes. She had a wonderful figure and large breast, which were revealed with the low cut dress she was wearing.

In the meantime, Greg excused himself from the table and left us alone. "I'm sorry" she said "I hope Greg didn't bother you". "Not at all" I said "This is my first time here, I usually don't go to any bars but my buddy dragged me out tonight. "I'm glad you talked you into coming" she said as she lowered her drink from her lips. My eyes were drawn to her lips as she licked the wetness from them, she had the most beautiful lips, full and sexy.

We continued some small talk at the table and had a few more drinks then I asked her if she would like to dance. "That would be great" she said "Its been a while since I've danced". "Me too" I replied "I'm not a very good dancer, but what the hell, lets give it a try."

As soon as we reached the dance floor, the band started playing a slow song. I pulled her close to me and stared into her eyes. At first it was a little awkward, but she stared back at me and I began feeling more comfortable. For whatever reason the mood struck me to kiss her. I began giving her a very sensuous kiss and before long her tongue found its way into my mouth. We stood on the dance floor kissing, not dancing at all. She pressed her body very firmly into mine and it wasn't long before I found my dick growing harder. "Am I getting you excited?" she whispered "I usually don't ask this, but do you want to go some where else?" My answer was a quick yes, how could I not go. I was more turned on by her kiss than I ever was by anyone else.

I told Rob I was leaving for a little while and would be back later. I put my arm around Sherry as we left the bar. "I've got an apartment close by if you want to go there." she asked "I hope this isn't going too fast for you, but it shocked me when you kissed me in there, but I have never been so turned on by a kiss."

As we entered her apartment, she closed the door behind us then turned to me and started giving me another long kiss, I then pulled her body firmly into mine. She started making a low moaning sound as I pressed my cock against her. That was all both of us could stand, we started taking each other's clothes off quickly. Before I could get my pants off, she pushed me onto her couch and grabbed my dick with her hand. "You have a nice cock" she said breathing heavily "It's been a while since I've had one in my mouth" with that said she placed her lips on top of my cock and I watched as it disappeared into her mouth.

It had been a while for me also and I almost came at that moment. She worked her hand up and down my shaft while her lips circled the head of my cock, she knew how to suck a cock and she was giving me a workout. I wanted her to finish the blowjob but I wanted my cock in her pussy badly.

I finished undressing her and sat her on the couch, my cock was rock hard and throbbing but I wanted to taste her pussy first. It had a sweet aroma to it and her juices were already flowing. My tongue first teased her clit with a gentle brushing that caused her to moan loudly and then pull my head into her cunt farther. I started sucking at her clit, then inserting my finger inside her. I knew I had found the spot by her body motion. Her hips started to rotate faster and she kept my head buried in her muff. "I need you to fuck me" she screamed "I want your cock in me now!" But I wasn't going to let up until she cum.

It didn't take long for that to happen, she started arching her back and rocking her hips harder than before. She was a very vocal person during sex as she shouted very loudly she was cumming. Her body then fell limp on the couch. She was trying to catch her breath as she pulled my head away from her pussy "I want your cock now" she said breathlessly.

I moved upwards away from her pussy, kissing her body along the way. I couldn't resist sucking on her hard nipples, they were just to inviting to pass up. Sherry slid her ass lower on the couch, trying to get in position to take my cock. Her legs wrapped my body and pulled me into her. With no effort my cock slid into her wet pussy. The feel of her pussy was like a tight warm glove had surrounded it. She placed her hands on my ass to direct my movements with hers. Every thrust into her pussy made me want to explode, never had I felt a pussy that fit my cock so well.

"Fuck me, oh god fuck me harder" she screamed. My mind was buzzing with pleasure and I could not hold out any longer, I started making long hard thrust inside her, I could feel the cum exit my cock everytime I plunged deep into her. The force of my explosion made my balls ache with pleasure as I emptied every drop of cum I had into her pussy.

I was exhausted as I collasped onto her, trying to catch my breath. She took her arms and hugged me very tightly while giving me a very passionate kiss. "This is just what I needed" she said "I don't think I've ever been fucked like this before". "Well I hope it was everything you expected" I replied. She smiled at me and said "It was everything and more".

We met every week for almost two years and I have to say she was of the best partners I have been with. But all good things sometimes come to an end, she was married and had commitments at home and I had to move along with life. But I will never forget that first night with her.

TOP TEN THINGS THAT MAKE MY DICK HARD

2006-05-26T14:41:00.000-05:00

1. Having sex (or thinking about it)
2. Getting a blowjob (or thinking about it)
3. The receptionist at work
4. Women in bikinis
5. Dirty Debbie's blog
6. Des's blog
7. My doctor when she holds my balls and makes me cough
8. Porn movies
9. Phoebe Cates (ever since I saw her in Fast Times at Ridgemont High)
10. The female pharmacist at my local Walgreens

There are a few thousand things that make my dick hard, but these were recently tested.

BRAINDEAD

2006-05-16T14:00:00.000-05:00

I was lucky enough to receive a "good morning"blowjob the last two days, and my brains has been in a fog (thinking about more blow jobs and pussy!). Maybe it will clear up in a few days! Hopefully it won't!

NAME THAT DICK

2006-05-11T09:39:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, I had a girlfriend who thought it would be fun to name our genatalia. At the time I was young and I thought it might be "cute" to name them. We were each to pick out a name for the other one and here is how it went.

Her: What name did you pick for mine?
Me: How about Rose, soft and sweet!
Her: I love it, I've got a list for yours. I couldn't decide on just one.
Me: Well let's hear them
Her: How about Mr. Happy?
Me: Too gay
Her: Well what about Mr. Winkie?
Me: No!
Her: Mr. Handy?
Me: No!
Her: Hankie?
Me: No!
Her: Junior?
Me: No!
Her: Little Willie?
Me: No! What is it with the little sounding names?
Her: Well, it's not that b..
Me: Nevermind, go on
Her: Mr. Wiggly?
Me: Hell No!
Her: Mr. Friendly?
Me: Your going gay again!
Her: This is going nowhere, what names do you like?
Me: What about Thor or Zeus?
Her: Get real, it's not a Greek God type!
Me: The Penanator or Bigfoot?
Her: Your going the wrong way.
Me: Dick?
Her: (sigh) Get real!
Me: How about Peter?
Her: It's better than nothing, Peter and Rose, what a lovely sounding couple! (sarcastic)

So we ended the name choosing and so far I have refused to do that with anyone else, unless they agree with the name Muff Missile or something! Maybe we could do a poll on the names sometime.

TALK DIRTY TO ME

2006-05-09T13:49:00.000-05:00

Sometimes a little nasty talking can make sex great, it can add some spice to it. Although for some people if it is too nasty or the words don't come out right, it can be useless.
There was instance where a lady and I had consumed quite a bit of wine and we got in such a "Nast-fest" that we couldn't look each other straight in the eye the next morning. We couldn't remember half of what we said, but it was nasty!

Have you ever gotten distracted and something stupid came out or was thinking of two different words and you combined them together. For guys, when the "other" head takes over there's not much going through the main head so we can say anything and not realize it.

I've tried to come up with a few phases men would like to hear during sex.

1. Oh my god! You've got the biggest cock I've ever seen!
2. Your the best fuck I've ever had!
3. Oh god, oh...oh...oh fuck me...oh...oh...oh god...oh...oh...oh god your huge...oh...ect...
4. "Fuck me first" "No, He's fucking me first" "Shut up you two, he's fucking me first!"
5. You know I'm an heiress with lots of money...wanna be my toy!

Well there is only five, but these would be plenty!

THE DEMON INSIDE

2006-05-09T11:05:00.000-05:00

I am usually a nice easy going person, I'm polite and open doors for women all of the time, but when it comes around to having sex I feel a little demon in me awaken.
When I was on a date as a teenager I would put some soft music on to be a little romantic and kiss around for what seemed like hours, most of the time I wouldn't make a move on the girl until she made the first one. I probably missed out on more pussy back then that I care to remember. We would kiss and kiss until my dick seemed like it was going to burst at the seams (If a dick has seams) but I always felt like it was her decision whether or not to go farther.
I remember the first time the "demon" came out, my girlfriend and I had been dating for several months and we just started having frequent sex. It was the usual grunting, moaning and groaning when all of a sudden I became caught up in the moment and yelled "Oh yeah, fuck me baby!" Well the sex stopped right then. She had taken that as a derogatory statement and until I "Found out the difference between fucking and making love" I was not getting back into her pants.
Well being cut off from sex then was life threatening, it took a lot of effort to get some and I was not going to be cut off again, so I suppressed the demon.
It wasn't for several years and several beers that the demon showed himself again. This time it was with a older recently divorced lady that I met at the Ramada Inn bar (more on that on a future post). We were both pretty much shit faced and just started in our session when the demon again yelled "Fuck me baby" only this time it was returned with "Oh I'm going to fuck the hell out of you". Holy shit! I'm getting into this, and so it started a shouting match between two demons for the rest of the night, and it felt good. It was like getting rid of all of my aggression and it made the orgasm's so much more intense, so intense that my dick looked like a flat tire afterwards.
I have my demon under control now, letting him loose only when I feel my partner can handle him. Later!

NEED ADVICE...ASK DEAR FREAKY

2006-05-03T21:43:00.001-05:00

Do you need advice on love, sex or relationships? ask Dear Freaky. Go to http://antisocialvoices.blogspot.com/ and send Freaky a email with your problem and put Dear Freaky in the subject line. You may not get the answer your looking for, but have fun with it!

IT'S RAINING PUSSY

2006-05-03T14:35:00.000-05:00

Every day I check my email I have loads of messages saying the following: 12 women in your town want to meet you tonight or Hi, my name is Janie and I saw your profile on the internet and Horny single woman wants to fuck you tonight or DRC I'm available tonight call me. From the way they read ole DRC ought to be able to have a long list of women, all I need to do is a little window shopping on a couple of websites and....and it don't work like that!
I decided to go undercover and join one of the major sites to see what was going on. Do you notice they lure you in with some hot looking women, well most of that is fake pussy. If you contact them it leads you to another site wanting you to join it. I got a few replies from women that lived 1200 miles away from me, they said hi and thanks for the compliments, but I'm not driving 1200 miles to get some. I received no replies from anyone local and to be truthful I'm glad most of them didn't. I did get a reply from a woman in Russia, a very beautiful lady. It was one of those scam letters they do wanting you to send money so they can fly over to meet you, fuck that! Most of the women have not checked their profile in months. They want you to believe that there are more women than men looking for sex, when in reality it's probably 25 men to every woman.
I'm sure there are people every day hooking up on these sites, but I bet the biggest part of them don't. There is one thing I've discovered about pussy, when you really want it you can't find it. Is there a signal that it gives out when a dick comes by? Lookout here comes a dick everyone hide.
I guess it's off to the Ramada Inn to hit on some desperate, drunk, unhappy at home, drunk, ain't had sex in a year, drunk, watched too much Lifetime TV, drunk women.

ABBY

2006-05-01T08:29:00.000-05:00

About 3 weeks after my first wife and I got divorced, I got a call from a girl I went to high school with. It had been 8 years since graduation and she had moved away before the year was over. Abby was a beautiful girl in school, always smiling and nice to everyone, she was the girl you took home to meet your mother. We never dated in school, just good friends.

During our conversation she told me she had just moved back to town and was getting a divorce from her husband. I asked her if she would like to go to dinner one evening just to cry on each others shoulders and talk. She accepted my invitation and we made plans for the next evening.

Abby had rented an older apartment where a lot of retired people lived. It was nothing spectacular but it was kept up very nice. She lived on the top floor and every step I took on the stairs squeaked and sounded like it would fall through. I reached her apartment and knocked on the door and when it opened there stood Abby, more beautiful than I remembered.

She gave me a quick kiss and told me to wait in the living room while she finished getting dressed. From the couch I could see her reflection in a hallway mirror. I watched her walk around her bedroom, going from one side to the next, brushing her hair and finishing her make up. She took off her shirt and placed it on the bed then reached to unsnap her bra, as soon as she removed it she glanced toward the mirror and noticed me watching. She walked to a part of the bedroom that couldn't be seen from the mirror and called for me.

"Oh shit" I thought to myself, "I've just embarrassed the crap out her". I walked to the bedroom to find her putting on a robe, "I know we have plans to go out" she said "But when I saw you looking at me in the mirror I felt something". "I know" she continued "That we have not seen each other in a while, but I always wanted to go out with you in school and..." She paused "I really want to be with you tonight". "Well," I replied "I can't think of anywhere else I want to be".

She stepped toward me and I placed my arms around her waist, as her lips touched mine I felt my body tingling all over. I slid my hands down her waist feeling the curves of her body as she pressed her pussy harder against my growing cock. She let out a moan as my hands pressed into her ass, I held her firmly pulling her down with me on the bed.

I could feel her heartbeat get quicker as she rubbed my cock through my pants. I let my hand slide under her robe and follow the contour of her ass down to her pussy. As my finger entered her wet cunt, she arched her back, pushing against my hand to drive my finger even deeper inside of her. As she raised up her robe opened exposing her breast, I leaned up far enough to reach her nipples with my tongue. Her breathing was very heavy and I couldn't stand the pressure of my cock bulging in my pants. I rolled her over on her back and as I knelt in front of her, she unbuttoned my pants and grabbed my swelled cock.

She pulled my cock toward her and placed her lips around it while she teased the head of it with her tongue. I almost exploded in her mouth at that moment and I struggled hard not to cum, but I wanted my cock in her pussy badly. I pulled my cock away from her and she immediately spread her legs and pulled my body down to hers. My cock entered her pussy without any effort, she then grabbed my ass with her hands and pulled me hard into her, she was screaming loudly with every stroke of my cock. "Oh my god" she screamed "It's been so long since,Oh god... fuck me baby! Hard baby! haarrdd..." She was struggling to talk between breaths and her bed was rocking violently "Oh baby your making me cum..." I could take it no longer and I exploded in her cunt, her nails dug into my ass as she pulled me deep inside of her, my cock was throbbing in her pussy, emptying every drop of cum I had. I pressed my lips against hers for one last passionate kiss, then both our bodies went limp.

Out of breath and completely lifeless we lay on her bed, Abby leans toward me and gives me a gentle kiss "You know," she said "I didn't plan on this but I'm glad it happened" she continued "I always thought you were cute in school" "Well" I replied "I thought you was the prettiest girl in school, I was too chicken to ask you out" "Maybe it was better you didn't" she said "You wouldn't have had this much fun back then, I stayed a virgin until I got married." Well" I said "I guess I held out long enough."

We passed on dinner that night and decided to stay in bed. I stayed with Abby that night and the next morning I offered to go get breakfast for us. She walked me down the creaky steps of her apartment and we were met by the older lady who live below her. "Hi dearie, is this your friend that was staying with you last night?" embarrassed somewhat Abby replied "I'm sorry Mrs. Edmonds, I hope we didn't disturb you." "Oh my goodness no dearie" Mrs. Edmonds replied "I listened for a while and found myself getting a little aroused so I asked Mr.Perkins from across the hall if he would like to come over for some coffee and between the coffee and the sounds from your apartment he got his first erection in 15 years." "Well that's great" Abby said "Sounds like you had a wonderful time also." "Oh my yes," said Mrs.Edmonds "oh and by the way honey, is your friend is coming over again tonight? "Yes" said Abby "He will be here, why?" Mrs.Edmonds grinned slightly and replied "Mr. Perkins was wanting to have coffee again!"

TO WENDY

2006-04-27T07:53:00.000-05:00

Have you ever thought of someone from your past that can bring a smile to face? Wendy is mine, we were young and in love and later to be young and stupid. Sometimes mistakes are made and neither will swallow their pride until it's too late. Did you ever think that every decision you make takes you down a different road in life. I guess when you are young you don't realize it. We still talk on occasion but it's different lives now. You were the first I let in my heart and the picture of you will always stay with me.

PARADISE BY A FRONT PORCH LIGHT

2006-01-25T15:11:00.000-05:00

My ex-wife's brother, Alan, is a great friend and a great musician. We always had 2 or 3 jam sessions a week at his house and there was always a good following of women joining us.

One evening he had a new girl over, a really cute one to be exact. I ask Alan who the lovely lady was and he said "oh, that's Ellen, she works with me". "Have you been seeing her long" I asked "No" he replied "I'm not really seeing her, she is one of those clingy types, you know the kind that won't let you breathe, she is over here all of the time". "Why don't you tell her to give you some space" I asked "or do you enjoy boning her too much". "Well the funny thing is" he explained "we haven't screwed the first time, she just wants to give me blowjobs, I think she might have one of those phobias, you know like Dicktophobia or something." But listen dude" he continued "I'm not one to complain, I'll take a blowjob anytime, but it would be nice to drive the old boy home every now and then." "Well" I replied "maybe you'll get your chance soon".

A week or so later, Alan called me, his house had been broken into while he was at work. He wanted to know if I would care to stay at his house when he worked nights, so someone could be there to watch over things. So I cheerfully said yes to his offer, this would give me a chance to have someone over occasionally.

I usually stayed 3-4 nights a week "watching" his house. One early morning, I was awakened by someone's hand slowly rubbing my crotch. From the darkness a woman's voice softly spoke "I didn't expect you to be on the couch, but I wanted to stop by and give you a little surprise, so just lay back and enjoy this." "OH SHIT," I thought to myself "that's Ellen's voice," I was still half asleep and getting really aroused, so I thought maybe I shouldn't say anything to alarm her.

Her hand started slowly stroking my cock up and down in a gentle motion, and then I felt her warm, wet lips slide over my shaft. "I need to say something to her" I thought to myself, "but this is just like the shit in those Penthouse Forums that don't ever happen to anybody". After a short oral session, she stood up and started removing her clothes , the faint glow of the porchlight entered a window close by and I could barely make out her outline as she undressed.

She then grabbed my cock and lowered herself over it "I know you are going to like this" she said while sliding my cock inside her "OK, I really need to say something now" so I spoke up "I need to tell you..." My words were cut short by her hand covering my mouth "Sshhh..." She whispered "I don't want you to say anything, just enjoy this." "OK," I told myself while she was rocking back and forth on my cock "I don't think Alan really liked her anyway" So enjoy it I did, she was really getting into it and I hated to spoil her little "surprise" by interrupting her again.

Afterwards, we both layed there breathless. My eyes were rolled back into my head and my brain struggled to clear the fog. "I need to tell you something, I'm not..." She interrupted me before I could finish "Your not Alan" she said "I knew he was at work tonight and I knew you were going to be here" "Why me?" I asked, she replied "Well, it seems your buddy don't like to screw, I start off giving him a blowjob and he just lays there" "Oh really" I said, "Yeah," she continued "he just lays there and doesn't make another move toward me, so I figured he had some kind of hang-up about screwing or something" "You know" I replied "I think I remember him saying that he had one of those phobias , I think it was Vaginaphobia to be exact." "Well" she said "whatever it is, I know where to come and get it now."

She got up from the couch and started getting herself dressed. "Sorry I can't stay longer" she said "but I've gotta get to work and if you don't mind lets not tell Alan I was here, I wouldn't want his problem to get any worse." "Don't worry" I said "I won't say a word!"

FRIENDS

2005-04-21T09:51:00.000-05:00

Over the years I developed some close friendships and I have the best two friends a guy could ask for, my ex-wife's brother Alan and a co-worker Mark, and between them there is never a dull moment. Mark is... Well lets say a free spirit minus the brains, not saying he's stupid, he just never thought things out. His outlook in life is "for every problem you have...There is a drink for it" I guess I'm lucky to be writing this now considering the things we got into.

Mark was always the pussy provider, that meaning the girl he was dating always had a friend or a sister that was in the need of a date and you probably know what "in need of a date" is, for those of you that don't it means photographically challenged or ugly! The phone call would usually start out with "Hey old man, I've just hooked you up with some pussy" and then "this girl I'm screwing has got a friend that needs some dick, now listen, she ain't the best to look at but I would fuck her". That was the key phrase "I would fuck her", because most of the time when he was drunk and would try to screw anything that walks around, it's good that we do not have any curious feelings about being gay or that would change this story.

So here I am, being the good friend, I usually said yes to help him out. The girls I remember the most were sisters, the one he dated, Amanda, was a knockout, big tits and beautiful, the other one was tall, skinny, no tits and had a deep voice, what a package! My girl was named Jane, a fitting name since she was built like "Jane Hathaway" from The Beverly Hillbillies, Jane always chugged her beer, she would turn it straight up and guzzle it down, the beer would spill out from around her mouth and run down her neck, but Jane liked to screw, so at least I had that going for me.

One night we were at his house and after putting a few drinks away Mark and Amanda headed of to his bedroom for a little activity, then Jane and I headed off to the other bedroom. About an hour later, we heard one of them leaving the bedroom and go into his only bathroom. Now only having one bathroom was not a problem for guys, if someone was in it we always relieved ourselves outside. So after hearing someone go into the bathroom we heard other footsteps heading for the back door, it was Mark sneaking out to take a piss. A few minutes of silence went by before all hell broke loose, Mark was screaming and cussing "Son-of-a-Bitch! Damn-it!", "somebody help me, there is something all over me!" I rushed and grabbed my pants and ran to the back door and flipped on a light and there stood Mark naked, covered with Yellow Jackets, it seems that Mark had pissed on their nest and they had taken it personal. (Now for those of you that think bees do not fly around at night, try spraying them with warm piss, it seems to arouse them slightly.)

Jane and I grabbed some towels and proceeded to knock those pest of him, Amanda grabbed some wasp spray and before I could stop her she drenched Mark with it. His scream of pain reached the pitch which only a dog could hear. The wasp spray had literally set his balls on fire. It wasn't easy getting him to the shower considering the way he was dancing around in pain. We finally got him washed down and calmed somewhat, he had received numerous stings to his dick and balls and was in a little state of shock by the time we got him to the emergency room. Needless to say he was the talk of the hospital for a while.

I went to see him the next day, he was sitting in his recliner with a ice pack and two Coors Lights on his crotch, "Hey dude" he said "take a look at this", his dick had swelled to three times its normal size, "by gosh, I wish it would stay that size" he remarked "Well why don't you take some pictures of it" I said "I already have" he smiled "I just downloaded them on the computer, and look you can add color to it and take the red blotches off and...." I just shook my head and smiled.

PUBES

2005-01-14T09:25:00.000-05:00

Although my memory isn't worth a shit now, I do remember this...It was 1978, the month was October, I awoke one morning, a school day, got in the shower as usual but this morning was different. While washing I noticed a different color in the area around my dick, trying to focus and get the sleep out of my eyes, I studied it even closer, what the...Holy Shit!! It was pubes, the day of early manhood has come.

Finally, by god I can take a shower after gym class, no more putting on extra deodorant and no more sneaking out of the shower area with the nerds who never got undressed in the locker room (they always wore their gym shorts under their pants). I was a tall skinny guy then, always the late bloomer, I always seemed to be behind the other guys in everything, I had a high pitched voice, no facial hair (still don't have much) could it had been a lack of testosterone, nope I was consistently getting hard-ons about every two hours, whatever it was, it did not matter now.

I now could picture it...Hanging out with the jocks, being able to tell pubic hair jokes without guys making fun of you because you did not have any, able to comb it after a shower so that it puffed out noticeably. One good thing about having it was...it disguised your dick size, tease the hair out good and no one paid attention to it. Everybody, with a few exceptions looked the same, it reminds you of an Eskimo with his fur lined hood clinched tight over his head. You could picture guys in a beauty shop, getting a shampoo and having their pubes put in rollers then sitting under little dick hairdyers while watching Sportscenter, It was a great thing! The big hairy guys in the porn movies then made it machco to have lot of pubic hair. The biggest drawback was having to stop what you were doing and spit those little suckers out.

Well, times change and it seems trends com and go, and it was with a tearful eye that I said goodbye to the pubes that made me a man. Scissors in hand I clipped it away, handful by handful it went, but my sadness was shortlived. I called for my girlfriend "Hey Sherri, come quick!" "What is it?" she replied, I said " Look Baby, my dicks bigger now" she rolled her eyes and gave me that your a dumbass look from her, "See how much longer it looks by shaving the pubes off" she just shook her head and gave me the finger.

BASIC TRAINING

2005-01-11T14:22:00.000-05:00

Thinking back on my first experience in sexual intercourse, to be plain, I wasn't very good. All of the wet dreams, numerous hard-ons, and "hands on" practice, doesn't really prepare you for that "first time". I kind of feel sorry for her now because I know I bruised her thighs and ass trying to poke my dick into her pussy and when I finally got there I came before I finished my first stroke. For her it probably wasn't very satisfying, but for me it was wonderful. She was patient and took me under her wing and tutored me in the art of lovemaking, slowing me down and showing me points of interest along the way.

I have in the years following, took it upon myself to carry on this training, to teach what had been taught to me. My first pupil was a preachers daughter, a 23 year old virgin with a body to die for! I swore to myself that I would take my time with this "student", to educate her as best I could. Well it took me about three months to get in her pants, I was ready to abandon this project and go with a already trained partner. I was getting a little impatient because she would not even let me touch her tits for a month, we had kissed and kissed, moaned and groan, but every time I made a move she stopped me. I started telling her of the importance in being sexually trained and also that she wasn't getting any younger, you know like training a young pup compared to an old dog, she understood and finally agreed to give it a try.

The first thing was to show her how to gently stroke the penis, in which I gratefully offered mine as the study model, I showed her how to slowly stroke it up and down while keeping those sharp fingernails out of the way. This took a little longer than expected because she kept on holding it at the base. Now, if all the guys out there are like me, the pleasure nerves are in the "upper third" of the penis not in the base. After a while of stroking practice, she finally got the hang of it. A little while later I decided to try her on blow jobs. This one was a little harder for her to master, at first she had problems keeping her teeth out of the way, and after some ointment and a few band-aid's on my dick I told her that she might want to use a banana for further practice , just until she got more comfortable with something in her mouth.

While my penis was healing I thought it would be a good idea to explore her body and explain to her what a guy usually does to the female. I started with gentle stroke of the tongue around her nipples and gently sucking them while I teased her other nipple with my fingertip. All of this was well received by her, she was now breathing hard and moaning, so I decided to see if she was up to a little more exploring, I started kissing down her chest, moving farther down to her abdomen, the breathing was getting more advanced and the moans louder. I went a little further, unbuttoning her pants then slowly unzipping them, she arched her back to allow me to remove her pants, I pulled them slowly down, over her ass and there, lying directly in front of me was the most unkept lawn that I had ever seen in my life. Now, how do I approach this, do I just tell her that the 70's are over and you need to mow your yard or just calmly tell her that most sexually active women trim it up to promote a healthly lifestyle, I choose the latter and we spent the next few minutes manicuring it.

Finally, back in action, I leaned down over her pussy and used my tongue to tease her clit, she was moaning and arching her back, her hands had a handful of my hair, her fingernails tore at my ears, the pain was getting very intense but I hung in there. Her juices were flowing heavy as I took my tongue and gently entered her pussy tasting the fresh nectar, as her breathing got more and more intense, I went back to work on her clit, she then went into uncontrollable movements. I thought to myself, this would surely get her worked up so she would go all the way. I tried to stay with her to make her orgasm more intense, but wrong move, I lost contact with her pussy only to regain contact with her pelvic bone and the blow sent me off the bed into the floor. Dazed by the impact, I gathered my senses only to realize I had a busted lip," Oh my god!" she said breathlessly, "are you alright" I staggered to my feet "yea, I'm fine, did you enjoy that", still trying to catch her breath she told me that it was wonderful!

I proceeded to asked her if she was ready for the next step, she nodded yes. So went back through the steps she had previously learned, she took my cock in her hand and circled the head with her tongue, slowly stroking it up and down, so far so good and no teeth, for the moment I felt proud watching my student work hard and staying focused. My cock stood firm, throbbing, ready for the mission before him, going where no man had been before, this was the moment, the moment that every boy had dreamed about, the ceremonial deflowering of a virgin, this was almost like seeing Bigfoot in a way, it was something you heard about but none of my friends had actually done it.

I applied a thin layer of KY Jelly to the head of my cock and then slowly eased toward my intended target, 5-4-3-2-1.......We have insertion...I said we have insertion....Ugh, ugh, damn it, it would not go in, I kept pushing, harder and harder...nothing! I saw my cock, rock hard as it was, actually bow in the middle! what the hell is going on here? I put on some more KY and tried again...still nothing, this was tough! Finally I applied the remainder of the tube to my cock and her pussy, that should do it I thought, She was bracing for impact and I backed up to get a run at it, like on the movies where a cop gets a run and knocks down a door, only mine ended up like the comedy version where someone opens the door at the last moment and the cop crashes into the room! Her scream of pain in my ear and the pain coming from my nuts that had crashed into her ass was almost unbearable.

I looked down to see a intense expression of pain on her face "Are you alright" I asked, with a hurting voice, "Do you mind getting off of me" she replied painfully. So I got up and apologized to her "Geez, I'm sorry, I didn't think I used too much Ky since we were having so much trouble getting it in, I then noticed tears streaming down her face "I really didn't mean to hurt you!" I said, "Oh,no" she replied "it's not really that, I mean it does hurt a lot but I was crying because it was my first time", "Ah damn" I thought to myself what a time to get sentimental, my lip is busted and my nuts are killing me and this was becoming one of those Hallmark moments, so I give her a hug and let her finished crying, then she looks up and me and smiles "How about we clean up a little and finish this tomorrow, I really, really want you bad!" "Now that sounds good to me" I said "Do you think you could get me an ice pack?" "For your busted lip?" she replied "No" I said "I need it for my nuts!"